Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Asparagus: A How-To Guide

Asparagus:  The Mysteries Unveiled
by Robin Ford Wallace 

Reader, I have come to tell you the secrets of Nature.
No, Reader, not that secret of Nature, though since we are on the subject, I may as well tell you what my niece Katy said when her mother explained to her, at age 10, the monthly magic of womanhood:  “This is a joke, right?”
She had a point.  This whole business of existence as self-aware biomass is a serious thigh-slapper.  The yuks I have gotten from the digestive tract alone!  Throw in the reproductive system and it is a wonder anybody gets any work done at all. 
But were we not discussing asparagus?
 
Yes, Reader, asparagus is the mystery I came to reveal.  I had never considered it a particularly enigmatic vegetable until I decided to grow it.  It was then I realized I had never seen it growing and in fact had no idea what part of the plant it is that is eaten.  It is not a fruit like tomatoes, a root like turnips, nor leaves like lettuce.  Just what was asparagus, and what did it look like when it was growing?
Answer 1, as I soon learned, is that the edible part of asparagus is the young shoot that rockets up from the roots as the plant’s first growth; but it does so with such rapidity that there is no Answer 2.  One does not see asparagus growing, though one is sometimes tempted to stay up all night with a flashlight, and try.
One simply leaves the asparagus row an undisturbed expanse of dirt in the evening, then returns the next morning to find tall spears looming above the earth.  My city friend Joe, in fact, touring the garden one spring, accused me of buying the stalks at the grocery store and deploying them in the dirt, in order to mess with his head.
Asparagus row before harvest
After harvest, the asparagus row once again appears vacant – until, next night, the miracle recurs.  It is possible a fairy is involved.
After

Situating Your Asparagus Bed

If you would like to plant asparagus, the first point to consider is:  Where?  Asparagus grows in all climates except the wet coastal tropics – it requires at least a little winter – and it prefers light, well-drained soil. 
But for the home gardener, the most important consideration is that the asparagus bed must withstand the sands of time.  Once planted, it stays put, rewarding you spring after spring for decades to come with delicious green harvests.  So choose a location where your asparagus may thrive undisturbed as you lose your teeth, hair, faculties –     
And remember it prefers full sun.
Anyway, in choosing your location, you may use me as a cautionary tale:  I put my asparagus row about five feet inside the vegetable patch.  So now, each spring, if my neighbor offers to till the garden for me, he must do so in two sessions, one below the asparagus and one above, while I patrol the staked-out row grimly, defending it with my life.
How much room you give to asparagus should depend on how much you like it.  I love it and in theory could eat it every day.  In practice, I find that with my 20-foot row I can do so about twice a week during the season, sharing it grudgingly with guests and family members but never freezing it or, God forbid, giving any away. 
The rule of thumb for most vegetables is to take a piece of paper, add up how many plants you’ll need and multiply out how much room each will require; then you use the paper to wrap fish and plant one quarter that amount.  Asparagus is the exception to the rule.  If you like it, plant as much as you have room for.

Selecting a Variety

One can go cross-eyed choosing what asparagus variety to grow, what with plant catalogs hyping “new vigorous all-male hybrids,” as opposed to the time-honored but patently female-sounding heirloom, Mary Washington. 
All-male?  It is true that one might infer a certain masculinity from the manly skyward thrust of the firm, smooth shafts; but I looked up it up and went a little strabismal myself learning about dioecious and monoecious plants, which is to say those that have genders and those that do not.  In the end I elected to leave plant sexuality a moot point (at least until that nocturnal vigil with the flashlight), and stuck with Mary Washington.  
The disadvantage to female plants, apparently, is that they waste time and energy producing seed, and you may want to consider that.  I have, on the other hand, enjoyed the bright red berries my asparagus produces late in the season, and the pleasant surprise of finding wild asparagus growing along the driveway as Mary increases her family.

Planting

You may start asparagus from seed – it’s cheaper – but that lengthens the wait until first harvest, so most gardeners begin with first-year crowns.  These are hairy, tarantula-looking root balls from year-old plants, available in most garden centers.
Plant crowns or seeds any time after the soil has warmed – you will not be harvesting this year in any case.  Seeds should be planted sparsely, about ¼ inch deep, then the seedlings thinned to 15 inches apart.  As for crowns, place them 15 inches apart in a furrow five to six inches deep.  You can go mad deliberating which end is top; in fact, the root ball will send forth its tentacles no matter which way you put them.

Now:  Sit and Wait

Both seeds and crowns can take their sweet time to produce plants.  Depending upon weather conditions, soil temperature and how you are holding your mouth, it may take between two weeks and two months before you see any action.   
But wait long enough and your crowns will – finally! – send up the familiar solid green shafts that, left alone, leaf out into dainty, ferny-looking fronds.  If you have started with seeds, your seedlings will look fernlike from the beginning.  Interesting point:  The so-called “asparagus fern” is in fact a true variety of asparagus developed by florists for its pretty foliage. 
Even after you have plants, the fat lady has not sung:  you are still looking at a year or two before you can trot out the butter and the lemon and get down to business.  There is some argument in the gardening world about how long asparagus needs to establish its root system – here is where I remind you that most of what we know about horticulture, and possibly the universe, is lies and male answer syndrome – but most growers agree that with crowns you must wait at least one year, two if you can hold your horses that long, before you begin harvesting; and that growing from seed you should add another year to that.
But Reader, do not repine!  Remember that asparagus throughout the millennia has been rich-people food, and that throughout the millennia rich people have been the ones patient enough to realize the benefits of compound interest.

Harvesting Asparagus

            Unless you just like to thrash about in the dirt hand-pulling weeds, you should keep your asparagus mulched in with a thick layer of rotting hay.  According to the Ruth Stout deep-mulch method made famous by Rodale, in fact, the hay is never removed – it does, after all, keep the soil moist and nourished without chemical fertilizers – and the asparagus spears are simply allowed to push their way up through it in the spring.
            But our compound interest analogy notwithstanding, springtime is not a season designed to nurture patience in us winter-crazed gardeners, and I personally find it more expedient to pull the mulch back in March and allow the soil to warm up more quickly.  Then, miraculously, usually in April, though never as soon as one wishes, one goes out in the morning to find a lonely stalk, possibly two, thrusting upward through the dirt.
            Harvest the stalks by snapping or cutting them at or near the ground line.  Do it as soon as they are eating size, say five or so inches, which generally means the first morning you see them, or perhaps the second.  Do not make the common mistake of waiting until there are “enough to eat.”  Gardeners who do this are waiting still, no matter how long their asparagus rows!
            Cutting the stalks stimulates the roots to send up more.  And if you don’t cut them, they will grow tall and begin leafing out into summer mode.  
            Rather, what you must do is put the harvested stalks in a Zip-Loc bag and tuck them into the crisper drawer.  The next morning you will have several more stalks to keep them company, and as the season revs up you will find the bag filling up more and more quickly.

Saying Goodbye

            Though some experiments are now in progress for extending the harvest into summer, as a practical matter asparagus is a spring crop for most of us.  Many experts recommend limiting harvest to four weeks the first year, then eight weeks in ensuing years.  Many gardeners believe them, and cease harvesting by the calendar.
            What I have found in my own garden is that the asparagus itself seems to “know” when it is time for harvest to end.  The stalks start coming up looking ferny, and have an air of “wanting” to grow out into summer mode.  Though it is possible I am attributing more sentience to this particular biomass than it deserves, or drink too much beer.
One way or the other, ceasing the harvest just means leaving the asparagus to do what it’s going to do, and what it does is grow lush tall fronds that make an attractive backdrop to tomatoes and other summer crops.  Mulch the row back in and let the stalks stand there photosynthesizing and working on their root systems throughout the rest of the growing season.  In fact, it is best to leave them in situ even after they die for the winter, to mark the row in case anybody gets overzealous with the tiller come spring. 
Asparagus grows tall and leafs out in summer mode, providing a ferny backdrop to the veggie patch. 
In conclusion, growing asparagus at home requires a considerable investment in time up front but is very little trouble thereafter.  Further, it affords the gardener the satisfaction of looking at the price asked for the delicious green stalks at the store and saying smugly to the grocer:
“This is a joke, right?”   

            

Friday, March 7, 2014

Just a note to announce that The Dade County Planet, Dade's newest news source, is now online.  Here's a link:

http://dadeplanet.blogspot.com

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Dear Bob's Little Acre Readers, If Any:

BE IT KNOWN THAT Robin Ford Wallace is alive and well and blogging her black little heart out -- though not necessarily about gardening!  I launched a satire blog, THE TURNIP, the week of Feb. 25, 2014.  Here's a link:

http://thedadecountyturnip.blogspot.com


And coming up this week, the week of March 3, 2014, I will launch a straight news blog (well, as straight as nooz gets in these parts) called THE DADE COUNTY PLANET.  I'll put a link to it here, though be warned -- the first edish is not yet up at the time of this writing.

http://dadeplanet.blogspot.com/

I will post in Bob's Little Acre when and if a girl ever gets time to roll in the dirt!

Monday, January 13, 2014

Be Kind To Thy Ass For It Bears Thee; And Be Kind To Thy Pants For They Cover Thy --

     Right now I’m working on a big project and should not be frittering away my time on humor pieces!  I’m on strike or leave from the Sentinel, or kaput, depending on how things turn out, and don’t want to print anything there.  But meanwhile I saw one of those weight-loss ads featuring a woman holding up Moby Pants and it struck me as funny and I couldn’t help myself.  So here for what it’s worth is my take on Before Pants, published NOWHERE ELSE BUT HERE!

Dear Skinny Britches Basher:  Kiss My Homonym!
By Robin Ford Wallace

January is the time of year for Before Pants pictures.
You know the ones.  Sometimes they’re on the cover of women’s magazines, inviting you to try some new diet, sometimes on advertisements for gyms or weight loss programs.
But the image is always the same:  a slender young woman holding up a monstrous pair of pants.  She was not always the smiling sylph we see now, explains the copy below.  There was a time she changed weather patterns by blotting out the sun wherever she traveled (shaking the earth as she went).  
Then she went on the featured diet, tackled the featured exercise program or underwent the featured surgery.  Whatever it was, it worked, and now she stands there in her itty size ones offering up these grotesque discarded elephant skins for our entertainment. 
What a vicious betrayal of pants!
Hi there.  I’m Robin, all-American Fat Girl, Weight Watchers recidivist, yo-yo dieter extraordinaire; a size 8 when I bought my wedding dress, roughly a 12 by the reception, when the front seam gave way during a belly laugh after a couple of prenuptial weeks of beer and pizza.  I haven’t seen the inside of an 8 – hell, a 14 – since, but I do keep trying, and this is the time of year I try the hardest. 
January around here is a time of fasting and purification, the Holy Month of Robindon we call it, when your narrator declares sacred fat-wah against the pounds accumulated the rest of the year, which are legion.  It’s not religious; it’s a matter of either receding into one’s natural boundaries or moving into orbit around the sun.
So this is the season my eyes gravitate helplessly to the current Before Pants picture and land there with a noise, and more often than not I bite the bait.  I have gone on the Atkins, Scarsdale and South Beach diets.  I have bought Skechers, green coffee bean extract and a treadmill.  I am, in fact, the Before Pants’s target audience. 
But as I looked at this year’s Ms. Skinny emerging from her baggy denim cocoon, I remembered the motto from a funky VW repair manual I bought in the 1970s:  “Be kind to thy Ass for it bears thee.”  And I thought, shouldn’t we also be kind to our pants, for they cover our –
Well, the motto refers to the beast of burden, not to its anatomical homonym; but when a person humiliates her pants what she is really insulting is the homonym zipped therein.  And that’s my real problem with Before Pants:  I’m all about a new beautiful me but I don’t want anybody flagellating my old fat –   
– blue jeans.  Before Pants are almost always jeans – jeans the size of subway tunnels, maybe, but still jeans – and after a lifetime of fat-wah I can tell you that in the eternal struggle against planethood a girl never had a truer friend than her jeans. 
Wear elastic waistbands if you want to eat your way into the solar system, but if you prefer to remain within your ZIP code choose jeans because they will alert you the minute you exceed your mashed potato quota.  My Levis may get a size larger every year as age and gravity gain ground, but as long as I have one pair I can zip up by hook or by crook I am by God still in the fight.
“If they zip they fit” is the Fat Girl Creed, and how many of my blue denim allies have died valiantly in battle to uphold it?  (To say nothing of the wedding dress.)  I remember losing one pair as I stretched up to dust a ceiling fan and came exploding from the seams like Lake Pontchartrain breaching its levees.  Bless those jeans’ heart, they had seen me through, but did not survive, quitting smoking.
And jeans are not just the means of waging fat-wah; they are also the prize.  The short-term goal is always to squeeze back into the next size down but the ultimate reward, the whole point, is to strut victorious from the battlefield wearing the Skinny Jeans that make a girl feel all hot and dangerous.  In the words of the great Conway Twitty, “Partner, there’s a tiger in these tight-fittin’ jeans.”
 Back to that Ass saying:  I thought it was from the Bible, but Googling it all I found was Aesop’s fables.  The Ass figures in a lot of those.  He does stupid things, everybody beats crap out of him, and the moral boils down to:  “Don’t be an Ass.”  He’s always, ahem, the butt of the joke, but I identified with the poor beast every time.
The worst is the fable where the Ass, jealous of the Lapdog, breaks into the house and cavorts there playfully, imitating the dog but at his size destroying the furniture, then tries to climb into the master’s lap.  I keep seeing my poor old homonym in the same situation, wiggling coquettishly in its tight Levis while everyone stares at it in horror and finally drives it away with sticks.
 This January, I’m wearing jeans with Before written all over them.  You look at them and think, “They make ‘em that size?”  They’d been in the drawer since some past Robindon pared me down to the next weight class, and I hadn’t swelled back to quite that magnitude until 2013.
I’m hoping Robindon 2014 will send these big boys back to pasture and I’ll never have to trot them out again.  But if I do need them next winter, and in between I have posed for a photo smugly holding their billowing yardage up for derision, I hope they will tell me to kiss their –      
END